It Still Gets Me

| 10 Comments

I feel really bad that I’ve been skipping weeks of posting, but it’s been a challenge keeping up with photography, the house, & taking care of Myler. Some weeks he wants to eat every 2 hours, but recently he’s made it about 2 1/2-3 hours in between feedings! We are getting to a good schedule now, & he’s been a super happy baby (as you know if you follow me on Instagram). Although Myler is now our world, I still want to share my heart with you. I still want to be an encouragement to you who are going through something similar.

When I started to open up about our journey, we didn’t know if we would ever have biological kids of our own. We had just lost our 6th baby at 9 weeks old, & at that point, I really wanted to give up. I was so devastated, & I was physically, mentally, & emotionally worn out. Going through multiple miscarriages has so many ups & downs. The process is a roller coaster. Deciding if we wanted to get pregnant again, trying to get pregnant again, waiting, getting tested for disorders, blood draws, finding out we’re pregnant again, hearing a heartbeat, pregnancy nausea, fatigue, not hearing a heartbeat, cramping, bleeding, contractions, & losing another child. It’s a lot to deal with. My hormones have literally been off kilter for the past few years due to continually being pregnant for a few weeks, then losing each baby & adjusting back to normal. I say all this to you because I’m sure it’s easy for many of my readers to look at my recent posts of pregnancy, birth, & Myler and forget the trials we went through to get here. Naturally I’m going to post more about our life now & the joys that come with having a child, but I know many of my faithful followers started reading because they could relate to our struggles. So here goes… the struggle.

When we got pregnant with Myler, I think I was so distracted by being pregnant & also worrying if he would make it full term, that I didn’t cry much about losing our other babies. I thought about them often, but my focus was shifted. What I cried about were thoughts of losing another baby & wondering how I would deal with it if it happened again. I went through excitement, worry, & regret just about everyday in the 1st trimester. Regret because I thought, if I lost this baby, I would be mad that I put myself through it all again.

While I was somewhere in my 2nd trimester, I was trying to make a decision about flying on an airplane. We had a trip planned, but just before the trip, I found out I had complete placenta previa. I won’t go into the details of it, but I was told I couldn’t do any major physical activity, & I should be close in distance to an Emergency room at all times. There are other things to go along with it, but even though this is a pretty common thing, & it often corrects itself, it still gave me anxiety. At the time, it was such a big deal to me & very hard deciding if I wanted to fly or not. I felt like everyone around me just didn’t get it. Why were they making it such a small thing when I was stressing big time over it? Then it hit me… struggle. That word sunk so deeply into my soul & immediately brought me back to a place I didn’t want to go. The struggle of getting to where we were in this pregnancy. Nobody else had the struggle that we had faced as a couple to get pregnant with Myler. That was why the decision was so difficult. I ran to our bedroom & sat in our gliding chair & wept. All the feelings from our 1st, 2nd, 3rd… they were there again. So raw & so real. I sat there & cried over my babies for the 1st time since getting pregnant again. I cried because I missed my other babies. I cried because we struggled to get where we were. I cried because I felt alone. I cried because I was thankful for this current baby. And I cried because I was terrified of losing it.

Fast forward to Myler’s 1st week here with us. The emotions of labor & pregnancy are so up & down, but I remember specifically one very emotional moment. I don’t remember if we were still in the hospital or not, but I remember all too well what I was feeling. Myler & Griffin were asleep, & I was awake just thinking to myself. I looked at my sweet baby boy & my amazing husband, & I couldn’t help but cry. Seeing my child right there in front of me, not just feeling him move in my tummy, I sort of started to grieve the loss of our previous babies all over again. It was different than before because now I knew what it was like to hug my child & kiss his little lips & hold his sweet hand & look into his eyes. And I grieved that I couldn’t do that with our other babies… at least not here on earth. I felt so happy, yet so broken all at the same time. Even typing this out brings tears to my eyes. I miss my babies. Before getting pregnant with Myler, one thing that I would cry to God about was that even if we had a healthy baby (or babies), I didn’t think my family would ever feel whole. I was still mad that He let my babies die because I would never get to have them as family here on earth. Yet somehow, having Myler here, our family still feels whole to me. I have peace that my babies are in heaven. And I’m especially thankful for my Myler. And I’ll be honest (when am I not?), it took me a little bit of time to feel connected to Myler. I think everything was so surreal (& I was overly tired), that I couldn’t completely comprehend that he was here. Even still I have some days where it surprises me that he’s still ours. But everyday I get to know him more. I feel closer to him. I know his personality. It’s crazy to look back at video clips & photos from when he was born & recognize his personality. I just didn’t know him back then. It’s crazy to be so in love with someone you’re just getting to know. But I love every moment. I’m thankful for every moment. I’m trying to cherish every moment.

The rainbow that came after the storms was worth every second…
Photos by: Theo Ryan

*This week is National Infertility Awareness Week, so in honor of it, I’m giving away my HOPE key necklace to someone who needs it. Head over to my Instagram to enter.

10 Comments

  1. Bethany, you write so beautifully and what seems to be so effortlessly. Being able to share your journey has already been and will continue to be a blessing to many.
    What a pleasure to finally meet you and sweet Myler. Sorry I was so emotional that morning. Just knowing your and Griffin’s struggles to finally bring this little soul into our lives, and being able to hold him in my arms, had me in a whirl!! I felt that God was honoring me to be able to see one of His miracles in the works. I love you all so very much. You certainly have a precious treasure – God’s blessings and wisdom on your lives. Aunt Susan

  2. Love you sweetie. You have weathered several storms with great faith and grace. Never been more proud.

  3. Always glad when you blog, but you never have to apologize for getting behind. Any of us that are mother’s and wive, especially a DYD’s wife, u dears tans the demands. I cannot begin to imagine the emotions and feelings that you have experienced through all of this. You are a beautiful soul. Even though I don’t “know” you and Griffin well,I’ve watched from afar and I’m so impressed with you both. You come from incredible families that are solid Jesus loving people. Thanks for sharing your beautiful heart! Enjoy every sleepless night and long day with Myler. It goes so ver quickly. My youngest graduates next weekend from college and gets married 2 months later. My oldest gets home from GCU next Tuesday and graduates next yesar. They are my greatest blessings next to their daddy. Thanks again Bethany for your vulnerability.

  4. Reading this brings up so many feels! I had 3 miscarriages before our rainbow baby, so I completely identify with the pain/fear/hope with every pregnancy, and the random moments of grief for those babies that you experience while interacting with your baby now. Thank you for sharing this. It’s nice to have someone else who “gets” what you’ve been through. ❤

  5. I don’t have instagram but this is amazing…I still cry and have emotions hit me out of nowhere and sometimes it’s hard to even breath but I love what you say, “the rainbow after the storm was so worth it.” I know all this will pass away and one day my heart will be reunited in peace and perfection. I have a hope that I won’t let go of! Thank you for sharing. It helps my heart like only you can know.

  6. Bethany, I want to cry because you have hurt so much. It’s one thing for me to think you were hurting but it’s another to read how very raw it was. It’s hard to see your children hurt… something you are now starting to understand.
    I love seeing how you and Griffin love Myler. And I was always be protective of you and Fridf and Myler hoping that you will never hurt again. Unfortunately that is impossible but I will probably do and say many things that irritate you out of trying to protect you.
    Love you.

Don't be shy. Leave a Reply!